Broken Promises

For those of you who know me, it is no secret that I am (well, really, I have been) fat. I wasn’t obese, but I have been heavy for as long as I can remember. I am big boned, according to my unconditionally loving mother.

It’s true. I am big boned.

I was also fat.

In the past two years, though, I have lost a bunch of weight by changing the way I eat.

This is the time where you should congratulate me for my hard work …

Oh, geez. Stop. Now I’m blushing.

Okay, in all seriousness, I have been thinking about why I have been able to sustain a two-year journey toward a longer life. I had tried to do this many times before, but never with much success.

So why now?

All over the world, people are unable to break bad habits. The eat poorly. Smoke. Watch Housewives of Orange County.

I think I’ve stumbled onto the secret to breaking those habits …

All of us tend to make promises that are extremely hard to keep.  For years, I promised myself that I would lose weight. And I promised myself I would lose a ton of weight. I also promised I would stop smoking every single cigarette I ever wanted to smoke between now and eternity.

It always started well and ended poorly. I would break the promise I made to myself over and over again and feel like I let myself and my family down.  

Then I would eat a hot fudge sundae and smoke a ciggy to make myself feel better.  

The feeling of letting myself down begat more negative results. I was putting a negative vibration in the cosmos, which then bounced back to me in a way that was amplified.

I used to lose 5 pounds and gain back 7. I would break a one-pack-a-day habit and then replace it a few weeks or months later with a pack-and-a-half-a-day habit.

So why the new (and smaller) me?

Here is what I changed (at least so far).

First, I do what Kathy Kolbe taught me years ago. I COMMIT … to very little.

I have decided that the only way to change a bad habit is to be present in the thought about that commitment for one day only.  

Today I diet.

Tomorrow? 

If I choose to diet, I will; if I don't, then I won’t.

This seems a lot less overwhelming to me. And if tomorrow I choose not to diet, I won’t freak out that this is my choice for me, for one day.  I can always choose to diet the next day, if I choose.

Small victories lead to big accomplishments. Small losses are seldom the “ball game”.  I am two-sizes smaller today than I was in October of 2011. (So I guess in my case, a small victory led to a big accomplishment in the form of a smaller man.)

I am not going to guarantee that I stay that way forever. The only thing I can promise is that I CHOOSE to be that way TODAY.

Your homework: Try giving yourself a break. When you want to change something, try promising yourself one thing and one thing only. Say, “I will change that something today but guarantee nothing tomorrow.” You may choose, guilt free, to continue on your course or to change your daily commitment to something else. You might find that the day-to-day accomplishments really become the habit that replaces those things in your life that you would like to forget.

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The Dirty Word

I’m about to say a dirty word—probably the dirtiest word in our society. If you are reading this aloud and children are within earshot, please cover their ears.

Here goes …

Accountability.

Accountability is a dirty word because we live in a victim society. The folks that wrote the book The OZ Principle call the victim-mentality “living below the line.”

The line to which they refer is the line that separates the failures, stagnators, and blamers from the explorers, originators, and the innovators.

Like it or not, success is never bestowed on you. It is earned. (That is, unless you are one of the Kardashians, in which case we know the dark arts are involved.)

Let me use myself as an example. Now, I have been the King of Excuses in what I will call the “before” time. During “before” time, I could easily find reasons why things did not turn out the way I wanted them to turn out.

It’s always easy to find excuses when you exclude yourself from the equation. During “before” time, I was never the chief culprit. That would have been insanity!

I was always saying things like: “If only they did this. They were supposed to take care of that! They are so incompetent.”

Do you have a “they” in your life? Is your “they” as lazy, horrible, and despicable as mine was? If so, you might be living below the line.

One day, I decided I wanted an “above the line” life. The only way I could do this would be to hold myself accountable. I had to fire “they” and take it’s place. (Normally, it is hard to fire people, but “they” were so lazy, horrible, and despicable that it was pretty easy.)

I had to make a commitment. And by the way, you don’t attempt to make a commitment. You are either committed or you aren’t. In living above the line, you are accountable when you hold yourself responsible for results that you commit to. It does not mean you will always actually succeed. Repeat it with me: Success is not guaranteed (unless you are a Kardashian).

But the magic of commitment and accountability is that they get you half the way there.

In fact, the magic formula for success is to learn from your less-than-desirable results. Learning, adjusting, adapting, and modifying commitments in the face of adversity creates success 90 percent of the time.

I’m not sure what the other 10 percent would be called. Maybe we can call it (cover kids’ ears) “sh*t happens” or (keep covering) “Kardashian?”

(I get paid 10 cents in ad revenue every time I use their name!)

How do YOU live about the line? As my friend Kathy Kolbe says, “Commit! But to very little.”

That is the first step. Understand your role, make adjustments, keep moving forward, and congratulate yourself for the distance you have come. Quantify your commitments. Put a number, date, or numerical frequency to those things you want to accomplish. Enlist the help of supporters. Keep away from the detractors. And finally, resist the victim excuses.

Whether you are or are not successful, you only have one person to blame: YOU!

(And the Kardashians).

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HEY PROTESTORS—OCCUPY THIS!

Despite my last post about the Occupy Wall Street folks, I have to admit that the movement is impressive. I didn’t think this generation could walk away from The Real Housewives and organize a movement.

But what confuses me is the message. I saw an interview yesterday with a young lady who said that life isn’t fair. She wants money to be abolished! She wants us to all be equal and just “live.”

(I also saw many interviews where people just beat their drums in circles. I’m not sure what drums have to do with anything; I guess it was some sort of new-age auditory protest intended to spread peace. I don’t think it worked, though, because I almost had a violent seizure.)

Let me focus on what the lady said about everyone being equal. Man, that would be fun, wouldn’t it? For a day, at least, right? It would, also, be fun if unicorns existed and if all the candy in the Willy Wonka movie existed.

Alas, that is not the way the world works.

Almost 20 years ago, when my son began his illustrious but brief soccer career, everyone got a trophy or a ribbon—every single kid out there. If you played, you got a prize. All you had to do was participate. Soccer awards were the great equalizer. No matter who did what on the field, you could feel good holding a shiny trophy signifying that everyone was equal. Participating was enough.

But in the world of business, it’s not this way at all. Everyone does not get a trophy for participating. Business people are held to high standards, and only the top performers get awarded with clients, money, and the complete DVD set of the TV show Wired.
This doesn’t mean that everyone is a loser, with just a few winners. It means that everyone must work hard to find his or her unique talents, and then constantly push harder to refine them. It means that some people have greater capacity, intellect, or luck. These folks often get more that the others, but not because they cheat. They are awarded because they do things better, faster, cheaper, and easier—and because they make our lives better.

But the good news for those of us who have only mediocre talent: These people make our lives better. If everyone participated at an equal level, we might not even have the Motorola 400 circa 1984, much less the iPhone 4S. We probably wouldn’t have the Backstreet Boys, much less the Beatles.

You see, you can’t legislate equality because people are not innately equal. Sure, you can force equal benefits and equal pay, but you cannot maximize energy of the more capable by giving the fruits of that capability to others. The talented folks would just stop working.

The problem with trying to legislate equality is that the multiplier effect that comes alongside genius will stop. Jobs will not be created or lost. And the people who create breakthroughs will never get their opportunity. If this sort of cycle continues, guess what you get?

2011!

I have two suggestions for all the protesters. First, don’t be too proud to work. Sweep streets. Clean the bathroom. Earn minimum wage. Some money is better than no money, especially when your unemployment runs out. Remember, someone who was not too proud to drive a cab could someday become the owner of a cab company.

Second, don’t be stopped by the “no’s.” In the words of the great Rolling Stones song, “you can’t always get what you want.”

But if you keep going, even though you haven’t gotten what you want, you are bound to eventually hear a “yes.” Research successful people. Almost all of them heard more than their fair share of “no’s.” Rags to riches stories are common. Seldom do people major in being corporate president in college. (I went to school to be president of the universe, but that’s just me. Also, that didn’t work out to well.)

By the way, I’ll bet that if the vast majority of the Wall Street protesters were offered a six-figure, Wall Street income starting immediately, they would miss the next march … and the next drum circle.

Today’s Challenge: Think about the NOs you have heard in your life. Did they kill you or did they make you stronger? If they killed you then you must not be reading this. Otherwise, I rest my case!

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OCCUPY WALL STREET PROTESTORS = THE YES MEN

(no). no. No. NO. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

Wow. That felt good. I know you’re not used to saying “no,” so say it with me.: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

Felt good didn’t it? Like a long lost friend. Makes me wonder how we forgot this word in the first place.

I was reminded of the word “no” when I was watching the coverage of the Occupy Wall Street movement. What a crowd. Most way too young to even understand what they are chanting. Reminded me of the anti-war movement of the 60s, except these folks are protesting not having jobs instead of having to go to war.

When asked what they are protesting, the Occupy Wall Street protesters simply state that big business is no good. Big business cheats, steals, lies, colludes (great word), conspires, and generally screws the little people (but not in a good way). The protesters want good jobs, good pay, great benefits, and no or few taxes.

And they want it given to them NOW.

I just have one word for that: No.

It just doesn’t work that way. It never has. NEVER. Things that are given are never valued. That’s why buffets are never fully appreciated. There are too many options, and the options get taken advantage of and underappreciated, so we all end up weighing 400 pounds.

It occurs to me that always being “yes men” is how we found our way into this mess. We have forgotten to say “no,” and we expect a buffet of options to be presented to us at all times. In fact, it has become a favorite pastime of this great nation to sue if we ever hear the word “no”. (I’ve used it 12 times now and am expecting at least 300 lawsuits.)

I confess that I don’t say “no” enough. I don’t always say it to my kids. I don’t always say it to the television. I don’t always say it to donuts.

The truth is that Wall Street hasn’t said “no” enough. A few more “no’s” would have averted the Wall Street collapse. “No’s” would have prevented people from making ill-suited home purchases, which would have lessened the real estate collapse.

“No” keeps us safe, sane, and realistic.

Only in our most recent generations did anyone “expect” a great job with great pay and great benefits. I recall listening to some grad students telling each other that they expected to earn $70,000 just out of school. I heard this and my jaw dropped open. What happened to walking both ways, up hill, barefoot in snow? These grads had no experience and they were worth that money?

Not a chance, but they got it anyway because we live in a “yes” world.

Here’s the deal, if you never hear the word “no,” it’s impossible to demonstrate a commitment to anything. Nothing important happens without some degree of striving. For big thinkers and doers “no” is a test word. Can you get to where you want to go in spite of the “no’s” you hear in everyday life? If the word “no” stops you in your tracks, you just might not want it bad enough. If the answer is always “yes,” why even ask the question?

(Take a second. I know I just dropped a bomb of knowledge on you that will take you awhile to recover from.)

“Yes” stifles innovation and risk. “Yes” promotes the status quo. “No” begets creativity.

Maybe I’m wrong about all of this. Disagree with me please! JUST SAY NO!

Today’s Challenge: Make a list of things in your past that you should have said “no” to instead of “yes”—“no’s” that would have made your life better. Be honest now!

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