Deep Thoughts on Thoughtful Disagreement

 (and I Dare You to Disagree)

I confess that I hate when people disagree with me. For me, the stress of thinking that I might be incorrect gives me the willies. Admitting I might be wrong?  

O.M.G.

I also confess that I have shut people down here and there. Being a big cheese at my place affords me the opportunity to do just that.

But is this the right culture to promote if we want to learn and grow?

It sure doesn’t seem like the pundits or the politicians are interested in intellectual debate.

We have all seen it … The conservative commentator strongly suggests a point of view. The liberal commentator suggests the conservative is incorrect.

Actually, strike that. It’s not quite precise. One commentator directs a finger in the other’s face, indignantly pointing out that his opponent just crawled out from a rock. The other replies that his accuser became a Ph.D. by fraudulently submitting plagiarized papers.

Pretty soon the discussion dissolves into a shouting match. Intelligent discussion is lost as two seemingly intelligent people resort to ad hominem attacks! Nothing new is revealed but the limits people will go to discredit another, even if one's initial assertions are worthy of closer examination.

Yet the act of thoughtful consideration does not make someone a wimp. It makes them either different or more resolute. A now stronger position can be framed if you can support your position and take into account more perspectives than your own.

Consider Warren Buffett. The Wall Street Journal recently reported that at the last annual Berkshire Hathaway meeting, Buffett invited an unusual guest to sit on a panel of experts who could ask Buffett and other board members questions about the company: Doug Kass, who holds a short position in Berkshire stock. In other words, Kass is betting against success of Berkshire Hathaway.

Inviting a dissident was unconventional, to say the least, but in doing so, Buffett was able to better understand Kass’s reservations and, as a result, use this understanding to strengthen the messaging, address objections from other shareholders (and potential shareholders) and reduce skepticism of the company.

We can all take a lesson from Buffett, but some of us (clears throat), solidify our stubbornness as we grow older rather than use our wisdom to create richer degrees of understanding.

 Here is what I am trying to make a habit of doing: If someone brings up an opposing view, I take a breath. (They say deep breathing reduces stress. In fact, I am taking a long series of breaths as I write this.) With as confident of a voice I can muster, I mutter with as much enthusiasm as I can feign: “That's interesting. Tell me why you think that way?”

Then I shut up, or at least I attempt to shut up. Listening with open ears is powerful in promoting discussion and thoughtful disagreement. I listen carefully to any seeds of truth uttered from the speaker. Then I ask myself: If I viewed the issue from their perspective, is there anything that can be learned to change and strengthen my position? Might my attitudes change and bring me closer to the results that I wanted to promote in the first place?

If not, at least I let someone have his or her day by being heard.

Try participating in some thoughtful disagreement this week. I guarantee you it won't be as painful as you imagine. You might also gain some new allies.  

Washington: You listening?

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The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel

THE PLANNING TRIAD

Ned was not doing well.  And it wasn’t the “Someone-posted-something-political-on-Facebook” kind of not doing well.  His professional life wasn’t going as planned and he felt unsettled.

As he was sitting in my office, he explained that his old partner offered him a role at his previous firm, but his position would be slightly different. His old partner wanted him to start a new division in the company. He asked me for advice. He was excited about the prospect of creating a new beginning, but he wasn’t sure how to evaluate the opportunity.

It struck me that his head was full of possibilities about how this new division could work, but his vision was not cohesive. He had a lot of random thoughts.

(So do I. Like, I wonder if I should throw a surprise birthday for my dog because…what if dogs do know about birthdays, and his has gone unnoticed all this time?)

But I digress.

People say that when one door closes, another opens. I’m not sure if that is true. Sometimes doors just close. In fact, most of the time, when a door closes, that’s all that happens.

But I digress again.

What I do know is that when you walk through a door, you are walking away from something. Evaluating new possibilities can be difficult because it requires that you consider changing the status quo. And because the status quo is comfortable, many of us don’t want to walk away from it.

So this is my process for evaluating new opportunity:

Imagine possibilities.

Evaluate results of those possibilities.

Consider resources required to produce those results.

Imagine what the business could do.  

Think about the possibilities stemming from your new opportunity. What is the vision? If the opportunity is related to your business, who would you serve and how would you create that service or product? 

In short, muse.  Wonder!  “What would happen if?”  “Wouldn’t it be nice to …” Do not stop at what is “probable.” Consider everything that is possible under the sun. You see, you cannot possibly know what is probable because you do not have a full picture. When you start from the probably, you often undershoot what is possible.

Evaluate the results.

After you think about what is possible, consider what the result of those possibilities might be.  Ask: “If I do this or that, what is the result it will cause?”

Now, consider whether those results align with what is really valuable to you and whomever else is involved in realizing the possibility.  

Doing stuff always causes something to happen. The problem is that folks often have a fuzzy idea of what the results will be. And, truth be told, sometimes they do not want the results.  Results obviously have a money impact.  Results also effect relationships.

I have a friend who thought she wanted to be a sitcom writer.  When she thought about the possibility of being a sitcom writer, she imagined sitting in a writers’ room with a ton of comedians, laughing all day. But when she really considered the results of “making it” in the industry, she realized several things: She would work long hours. She would not have a flexible schedule. She sure as hell wouldn’t be able to pick her kids up from school every day.

And none of that aligned with her top value, which was her family.

In Ned's case, creating a plan that results in outcomes that his ex-partner does not value will cause problems down the road. This is something Ned needs to consider before diving in.

Finally, consider the resources.

Once you have established the possibilities and understand whether the anticipated results are consistent with the values of everyone involved, then consider the resources needed to realize those outcomes. Contrary to folks thinking, great outcomes just don’t happen because they make you happy.  It takes resources.  How much money, manpower and know-how is required to get to the goal? And more importantly, is it worth it?

I call this three-part process of imagining possibilities, evaluating results and considering resources, “The Planning Triad.” And here’s what I like about it: It gives order to chaos. A new opportunity is usually an abstraction. Until you can give it some sort of organization, you will likely feel unsettled. But once you apply The Planning Triad, you can begin seeing the opportunity as a concrete option. Then, and only then, will you be prepared to decide whether you want to walk through that door.

Thought of the week:  Next time a new opportunity comes your way, use the Planning Triad---Yep---Write those three elements on a sheet and make notes about each.  You will find that it will help you realize your goals. 

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Plans and Life Scripts - Part 2

Last time I gave an overview of a few books that are changing the way I think about thinking.  And things I think I’ve thunk. 

• The Sandler Success Principles: 11 Insights That Will Changethe Way You Think and Sell, by David Mattson and Bruce Seidman
• Thinking, Fast and Slow, by Daniel Kahneman
• Willful Blindness: Why We Ignore the Obvious at Our Peril, by Margaret Heffernan

 Now that you’ve expanded and changed your attitudes, you have an opportunity to try on some new perspectives.  Beware that new perspectives often feel like trying on a new pair of shoes.  They might feel stiff.  They might prove a bit tight. They may give you a blister and send you to the Dr. Scholl’s aisle.  Often, however, they gradually form to you in such a way that you never want to take them off.  New behaviors, or even old ones, will yield differing results as the context—your attitudes—change. 

Intention is not actualization.  As my friend Kathy Kolbe, founder of the Kolbe System, relates, attempting and committing are two different things.  New behaviors cannot realize better outcomes without having the techniques necessary to actualize those outcomes.  Our attitudes block our willingness to learn and accept new techniques.  We simply cannot see ourselves doing this or that.

Still believe an old dog can’t be taught new tricks?  You’re going to fail the quiz at the end of this blog post.  Seeking to learn new things can be difficult.  Committing to learn them is the ability to permit your Adult to overrule your Child and Parent as they throw roadblocks on your road to improvement.  Kathy would caution us to understand how our instinctive construct can bring energy to the form and shape of our efforts, which is a conversation for another time.

So, how can you plan more effectively?  First, think through how others perceive your company.  Where do these thoughts and attitudes come from?  Are they true?  Do they HAVE to be true?  Can you visualize a different state for you and the company?  Are there certain prejudices you bring to the table from your Child or Parent that have limited your view?  Probably just a few dozen or so.

Next, and with a more expansive and examined view of your attitudes, what goals and actions might move your company to new possibilities?  What choices might come up and what eventual outcomes are desirable?  Can you choose the actions that would get you closest to your desired outcomes?

Finally, to achieve those outcomes, what capabilities need to be employed, improved or acquired?  Sometimes you have what you need and off you go. Sometimes you need help and then some practice to acquire the techniques necessary to get there. Utilizing the correct resources to get there is always required.  Not everything can be solved by a Magic 8 Ball—in my case, it’s not for lack of trying.

All the while, monitor yourself to prevent your willful blindness promoted by your inner Child or Adult to impede your progress.

It is amazing how synchronistic the interplay of the three books seem to be. Is it just random that I would be reading these three books at the same time?

Are you ready to start some effective planning? Time to crack that whip!

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Plans and Life Scripts

Whips ‘n’ Things, Part One

Since most of you have already read and discussed 50 Shades of Grey, I’ll fill you in on the other books I’ve been reading lately. All right, I’ll admit I haven’t read Grey yet. I’m waiting for the movie.

 

For now, my mind is spinning thanks to three business books I’m in various states of finishing:

The Sandler Success Principles: 11 Insights That Will Change the Way You Think and Sell by David Mattson and Bruce Seidman

Thinking, Fast and Slow by Daniel Kahneman

Willful Blindness: Why We Ignore the Obvious at Our Peril by Margaret Heffernan

  

A person’s life script often determines the way he or she reacts when faced with problems and choices. The Sandler Success Principles explores the concept of The Child, The Parent and The Adult to explain how our attitudes are formed very early. The book uses comparisons to Transactional Analysis to explain how and why people make buying decisions and why we, as folks attempting to sell our product, tend to get in our own way.  

The Child and The Parent are the earliest inputs telling us what we like, what we hate, and instills the values that shape our lives. These scripts replay over and over again in our minds, filtering the emotions and attitudes that form our behaviors, and explaining why I still can’t pass up cotton candy at a carnival.

 The Adult is the rational and examining part of ourselves. It can enable or disable the natural instincts of us all so that we are not relegated to living a hard-wired life. We can will our Adult to grow, change, be selective, and to operate with or in spite of our inner Child and Parent.

 

Willful Blindness makes it apparent that the scripts we have imprinted in our minds lead us to be blind to many things. Thinking, Fast and Slow reveal that the scripts reside in our fast-thinking mind and can prevent us from applying constructive filters as we engage the "effortful mind." 

 

Attitude, behavior, and technique are the factors that make up effective planning. If you’re missing any of those ingredients, you’re left with a half-baked loaf of bread. Not unlike how some women describe men younger than 35.

 

Let’s define each factor through David Sandler goggles. Attitude relates to beliefs, outlook, and expectations. Behavior relates to goals and action plans. Technique is the way skill sets are brought to realize the goals that are shaped by our attitudes. It would be pretty foolish to plan to fail, but that is what so many business owners and individuals do when they are not attentive to each element.

What are the attitudes that you bring to the table when you plan? Do you really believe in the project or company you are thinking about? What are the limiting assumptions that you are bringing to the table? Can you imagine the company or yourself in a different reality?

 

Engaging your Adult in a “What if?” kind of exercise might open you up to new possibilities. Over the next few days, observe your thought processes and the scripts that accompany them. You may find doing so gets you to a completely different place. I’m hoping eventually this will take me to a place called Aruba.

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THOUGHTS FOR THE HOLIDAY SEASON

 I guess you can say I am a pushover for sentiment during the Holiday Season.  Note I use capital letters when I refer to this time of year because I think we all tend to be reflective not only about the past year, but also of the gifts we give to those we love and those gifts we receive from others.  I wanted to share an excerpt from a letter I received from our terrific friend and associate, Clara Mayer, our Director of Marketing.  She is a SURVIVOR!  She has fought off two bouts of catastrophic illness but still has a tremendous outlook.  Those that have the privilege to spend time with her can feel it.

With her permission to share this with all of you, I wanted to pass on her words about adversity and thankfulness.  I apologize to those of you who are not religious, as I realize that the mention of a divinity can be polarizing, but I think the unedited version is the best.  So here goes.

“I remember you and I sitting in your garage talking - you asked me why I had taken adversity and turned into a gift... What was inside of me that drove my desire of being a better person."

The answer is... DRUM ROLL PLEASE...

It's really three things:

1. ADVERSITY made me take a look at what worked and what did not in my life. At the end of my life, I didn't want to say that I wished I could have been a better ..... Mother, daughter, sister, woman, friend, lover, teacher, etc. So let's call adversity the interruption I needed to take inventory of my life and be truthful with myself.

2. I was ok, regardless of my situation... I was alive TODAY!  The end no longer scared me because the adversity in my life had shown me a bigger purpose, full of meaning. And most importantly, I had a vision - at last - of who I wanted to be to myself and to the people I love in my life - You being one of them!

3. My faith!  I'm not religious, but I know my purpose could only bring me closer to God. And that when I listened, really listened, I would find my way through life being able to recognize the messages from the universe. I'm open, therefore I'm always the student. His student - your student - my daughters student. After all, you guys have taught me more than I could ever teach you.”

So in the spirit of the Holiday Season, I want to declare two things:

I am grateful to our clients, associates and team members who teach me and my partners more than we could ever teach them.

I am thankful for the opportunity being in all of your lives and for the great gifts that have been provided to me, my partners and our families. 

We, at Rose, Snyder & Jacobs wish all of you the most peaceful and relaxing Holiday Season you can possibly have and look forward to serving, working and being with all of you in the coming year.

A Crazy Guy Taught Me to Be a Better Listener

Little did I know that I was going to learn how to be a better listener when I decided to watch Harvey with Jimmy Stewart …

Let me back up. I was flipping through the channels the other night when Harvey, a very old movie, caught my attention. Harvey is about a man, Elwood Dowd, who believes he hangs out with a 6’3’’ white rabbit named Harvey. Harvey even wears a bowtie. Classy rabbit.

I immediately related to this movie because I have an imaginary friend named Barney. He’s a 5’4” accountant, and an all-around normal guy. Maybe my friend isn’t as exciting as a rabbit, but he gets the job done in the imaginary friend department.

So Barney and I are watching Harvey, and there’s a scene where Elwood is sitting in the alley behind a bar, talking to his psychiatrist and his nurse. Both of them think he’s crazy, what with his imaginary friend/rabbit and all. But they are having a talk about what Elwood loves most in life.

He says that he loves talking to people.

He loves talking to people. In almost any business, this is what we do—we talk to people.

But how much do we really listen with both ears? A lot of us listen for what we need, but is this the same thing as what our clients, our friends and our family members need?

Back to Harvey.

Harvey loved meeting strangers in bars. Complete strangers would have friendly conversations with Elwood, and pretty soon they would be friends. Elwood’s new friends would tell him their problems—their troubles and worries about the future.

And as Elwood explains this to his nurse and psychiatrist, he says, “And to them, all of their problems and all of their hopes are big…they are BIG.”

BIG. It’s the same thing when we talk to people. Whether they are talking, joking, or complaining to us … everything going on underneath is BIG.

So if you want to know how to be a better listener, think about this: When you are talking to someone else, they are—and should be—the only thing in the world during those conversations.

Your clients don’t care if you have a deadline you are rushing to meet. They don’t care if you had a bad morning and got a ticket on the way in. They care about their big problems. And what will differentiate you from your competitors is if you learn how to be a better listener, and that starts with responding to your clients as if you think their problems are big.

I tried to explain this to my imaginary friend Barney, but he wasn’t listening. Maybe you can be a better listener …

As you interact with clients (or friends and family members for that matter), remember that your job is to make sure you understand that their problems are big. If you want to be a better listener, you truly have to understand that no matter how trivial something seems to you, it’s a big deal to the person telling you.

I have to go now. Barney seems to be getting really jealous of all the attention I’m giving you, so I have to take him out to get some Pinkberry.

Today’s “be a better listener” challenge: 

Treat everything your clients and friends tell you like it is the biggest thing in the world. Throw all of your attention on to them!

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The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel

I can’t believe we have the technology that allows me to get swept up in a different world while I’m 30,000 feet in the air.  Movies on airplanes … what a thing!

Of course, most of the time, the movies are so bad that I want to get up and walk out — but I can’t … because like I already told you, I’m 30,000 feet in the air.

Luckily, this was not the case on my recent trip back from Copenhagen. I saw a great movie called "The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel". What a great film. It had a terrific cast of seasoned actors, and it even had a Dame in it. (Dame Judy Dench).

Dev Patel, one of the young actors, said something in the film that struck me as very profound and worthy of thought.

“Everything will be alright in the end. If things are not alright, it is not the end.”  

Wow. Let that blow your mind for a few minutes.

I dug a little deeper and discovered this was a Rudyard Kipling quote. (Dude! Someone tell Rudy that Dev is lifting his material!)

At any rate, there are two ways to look at this profoundly optimistic view of the universe:

    You can actively seek that “alright end”; or

    You may choose to passively participate in the anticipated possible future.

Some people think that if you just wait long enough, things will work out. If you just sit back and wait, hopefully money will come to you. Hopefully happiness will come to you and the secrets of life will simply fall into your lap. Hopefully.

Wandering around aimlessly in life may work for some. In my experience, however, it works that way for very few of us. Anticipating a specific set of goals and knowing why those goals are important is probably the most important first step you can make.

But understand that the course you set toward that goal may not always turn in the direction you expect. Be flexible. That unexpected direction may be fantastically positive. Remember that everything will be alright.

It is those times when we trend toward the negative that separates the winners from everyone else. Consider yourself a winner when an unexpected negative result appears. Assess where you are NOW. You are alive. You are breathing. Come to your senses and ADJUST! You thrive with what life throws at you. You already know the end result. Everything will be A-OK. Move again towards your goal and modify your actions as the situation dictates.

You’re a sailor sailing the seas of your life. Sailors zig and zag to their final destination. Mid-course corrections and interim plans are part of the path of business and life. We are here to LIVE.  

Those who are active planners have a vision. If, during the course of the journey towards that plan, things are not alright, then you are NOT at the end.  

You see, in the end, things will be alright.

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