On Grieving During the Holidays - The First Thanksgiving Without My Son

My 28-year-old son died in July.

Writing these words stops me. I sit in my seat, staring at them.

How can they be true?

It is hard to move past these words today, in particular. It is one day before Thanksgiving, and I am wondering how I will make it through tomorrow—the first big holiday without my son.

Jonny would have turned 29 in August. My wife, my daughter, and I survived his birthday with tears and memories and laughter, and then with more tears. Yet, there were fewer expectations on his birthday, fewer customs, and fewer traditions to uphold.

Whereas his birthdays have morphed throughout the years, and we have spent many without him, Thanksgiving is supposed to be a certain way. There is supposed to be turkey and wine and football. We are supposed to be loud and boisterous. We are supposed to be surrounded by family.

We are supposed to be thankful—thankful for the blessing of our children.

And Jonny is supposed to be there.

My wife, my daughter, and I will have Thanksgiving at my house, along with a handful of friends and family.

I wonder: Who will sit in Jonny’s chair? Will anyone sit in his chair, or will it sit empty—a loud vacancy reminding us that things are not as they are supposed to be?

We are certainly not the first family to face the fear of that first Thanksgiving. So many others have survived the holidays after a divorce, the first Thanksgiving after the collapse of a business, or the first Thanksgiving after the death of a spouse.

Today, it feels impossible to simultaneously grieve and celebrate—and yet, that is what so many of us are being called to do tomorrow.

A couple of weeks ago, I had lunch with a friend. We spoke of Jonny, and I told her that I was worried about the holidays.

Felice said something that has stayed with me.

“Remember that Jonny doesn’t die again on Thanksgiving,” she said.

Jonny died on July 27, 2015. On that day, we began to grieve. We began processing the fact that we would never again hug him or laugh with him or share a joke with him. He died on a hot day in July.

It happened once. It will never happen again.

It already happened, and it will not happen tomorrow.

I remind myself of this over and over because I want to give myself permission to move forward. And I want this for all of Jonny’s friends and family members: my wife, my daughter, Jonny’s girlfriend, and his many, many friends.

I do not want us to feel compelled to relive all of our grief, afraid to create new moments because we are so tragically lost in the past. I want us to make new memories, discarding this notion of what is supposed to be, and mindful that although we are grieving, we are also recovering.

Jonny does not die again tomorrow, and we are recovering.

THOUGHTS FOR THE HOLIDAY SEASON

 I guess you can say I am a pushover for sentiment during the Holiday Season.  Note I use capital letters when I refer to this time of year because I think we all tend to be reflective not only about the past year, but also of the gifts we give to those we love and those gifts we receive from others.  I wanted to share an excerpt from a letter I received from our terrific friend and associate, Clara Mayer, our Director of Marketing.  She is a SURVIVOR!  She has fought off two bouts of catastrophic illness but still has a tremendous outlook.  Those that have the privilege to spend time with her can feel it.

With her permission to share this with all of you, I wanted to pass on her words about adversity and thankfulness.  I apologize to those of you who are not religious, as I realize that the mention of a divinity can be polarizing, but I think the unedited version is the best.  So here goes.

“I remember you and I sitting in your garage talking - you asked me why I had taken adversity and turned into a gift... What was inside of me that drove my desire of being a better person."

The answer is... DRUM ROLL PLEASE...

It's really three things:

1. ADVERSITY made me take a look at what worked and what did not in my life. At the end of my life, I didn't want to say that I wished I could have been a better ..... Mother, daughter, sister, woman, friend, lover, teacher, etc. So let's call adversity the interruption I needed to take inventory of my life and be truthful with myself.

2. I was ok, regardless of my situation... I was alive TODAY!  The end no longer scared me because the adversity in my life had shown me a bigger purpose, full of meaning. And most importantly, I had a vision - at last - of who I wanted to be to myself and to the people I love in my life - You being one of them!

3. My faith!  I'm not religious, but I know my purpose could only bring me closer to God. And that when I listened, really listened, I would find my way through life being able to recognize the messages from the universe. I'm open, therefore I'm always the student. His student - your student - my daughters student. After all, you guys have taught me more than I could ever teach you.”

So in the spirit of the Holiday Season, I want to declare two things:

I am grateful to our clients, associates and team members who teach me and my partners more than we could ever teach them.

I am thankful for the opportunity being in all of your lives and for the great gifts that have been provided to me, my partners and our families. 

We, at Rose, Snyder & Jacobs wish all of you the most peaceful and relaxing Holiday Season you can possibly have and look forward to serving, working and being with all of you in the coming year.